Exploring notions of touch, consent, and pleasure

Recently I’ve been learning in more intricate details about the ins and outs of consent.

Beyond the If-it’s-not-a-hell-yes-it’s-a-no in regards to sexual contact, there’s a whole array of body touch exploration to be had. And it can have nothing to do with sex and everything to do with pleasure and the erotic.

Dr. Betty Martin

Dr. Betty Martin is the creator of the Wheel of Consent. The Wheel is about ‘the art of giving and receiving’, and breaks down in detail (into 4 parts or wheel quadrants) the construct of consent.

Betty developed the wheel after…


An oldie but a goodie sex-play position

Sexual fads are fascinating. And by fads I mean what I tend to notice trending in porn or sex stuff I read about. Who knows if they’re actual fads or not.

Regarding porn, over the last few years I’ve noticed a shift from fisting to squirting, and with anal being almost ubiquitous in porn-land.

But whatever happened to the 69? Does anyone still do it?

I do!

Mutual give and take

A 69 involves two people giving each other mutual oral sex. It’s a ‘you do me and I’ll do you at the same time thing. …


Pleasure shouldn’t depend on your size or shape.

Sex, when you’re in a bigger body, can be tricky.

When you’re carrying excess weight, more of your body gets in the way of having a good time. It’s often harder to maneuver too. And let’s not forget about getting squashed or not being able to breathe. Hardly fun.

I’ve been overweight and I’ve slim, and this is what I’ve found works best and worst when you’re a little (or a lot) chubby and you’re engaging in sexual shenanigans.

What works best

1. Doggy style

Personally, I find doggy style to be universally awesome no matter what size or shape I am. Overall I find it…


No? Yes? It depends? It’s complicated.

Sex, when you’re not in the mood, can turn out surprisingly good or predictably bad. But should you agree to sex even when it’s not on your mind? And what are some reasons for and against this sex when you don’t feel like it?

I feel like I’m stepping into a fraught area exploring this question. Especially given the dramatic increase in awareness and conversations being had around consent. Asking if you should have sex when you aren’t necessarily in the mood seems almost like a dangerous question to propose; especially for women.

But…


Fantasies? My partner? My body?

When I was in my 20s I used to use sex toys a lot during solo play. Single and living alone, I’d spend hours masturbating and exploring my pleasure.

Sex toys evolved from whatever I had in my house, to actual sex toys I managed to purchase pre-online shopping (with some degree of shame). These days I/we have a variety of dildos, butt plugs, yoni eggs, glass and crystals wands, and vibrators.

When not having sex with my husband (which may or may involve the additional use of sex toys), masturbation offers a tantalizing array of options to get off.


An overloaded head makes for a disengaged vagina

Over-thinking. Most of us do it, some more than others.

I would argue for women, it’s a permanent fixture of our brains. Throw in being a partner, mother, worker, care-taker, and what we have is the notorious mental load: An endless list of things to do (usually for others) that never leaves our head.

Or our vaginas.

The real curse

I don’t know many women who can spontaneously have sex when they have a million little things going through their heads. The mental load is as real as this laptop I type on. …


I admit it, I’m scared.

I’m 45 and about to get married for the first time.

What is it like to be married? To commit to someone for so long?

I have a child from an ex (fiance) and a finance prior to that. You could say that every decade of my life I’ve committed to marrying someone before I didn’t.

But here I am.

Forty five and about to get married for the first time. And I’m happy.

Glad.

Relieved.

Like I can tick this box on the list that says 'Demonstrates adulting successfully’.

I feel smug.

Yet scared.

Wtf is this marriage thing…


Thanks, porn-world for making my brain even have to consider this topic

Drool. Spit. Saliva. Slag.

Urgh, just writing those words makes me feel squirmish. And yet, in the right context, it’s hot.

Welcome to the land of human sexuality with its many fine lines between erotic and gross. One person’s turn-on is another person’s turn-off. But since when did saliva become a thing?

Since it started really showing up in porn.

When I started watching porn over 20 years ago, I don’t recall seeing spit make much of an appearance at all. These days it’s almost a central character.

Swapping spit

A few years ago I got into a lot of Rocco Siffredi…


I’m OK and not OK

Well, here it is: my first mother’s day since mum died. I’m lost for words and yet I feel like I have lots to say.

Strange.

I had a few friends ask me the day before Mother’s Day how I was feeling about it. I thanked them for their thoughts and said ‘I’m OK’. But then I woke up crying.

Strange.

Mum died a little over 3 months ago. Her death was sudden and unexpected, and the way I found her deceased was traumatic.

Super strange.

Mother’s Day was one of mum’s favourite events I…


I blame mobile phones and the Internet

Waiting at a cafe the other morning for takeaway coffees I did something I rarely see or rarely do: I stood there without my mobile phone and just waited.

I used the waiting time to drool over the cake display, look at the cafe decor, people watch and space out.

I stood there without distraction.

I stood there without the prop of my phone.

I stood there a little awkwardly but clearly waiting.

And it rocked.

Acts like what I did seem quite rebellious these days. If you’re not on your mobile and…

Melanie Robson

Australian writer, sexologist, & therapist. I sometimes write about sex & pleasure. I sometimes write about weird shit, my interests & being human.

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