On being the fat — then thin — then fat girl
A transient body is a transient sense of self
I know I’m not alone when I say I’ve struggled with significant weight gain and loss my entire adult life. In my mid-40s now I’ve come to accept that this ‘issue’ simply is my cross to bear. In effect, it will never go away, never resolve itself and is a sort-of chronic condition.
I have disordered eating and a disordered sense of self that is a chicken-or-the-egg phenomena when it comes to weight, eating and who I am.
Any person who struggles with this issue in a long-term manner is disordered. And I’m not talking about a casual 2–5kg weight loss or gain; that’s what I would call normal (and frankly I long for that). I’m talking more 10–20–30kg + weight gain and loss, that cycles over and over again over the course of your life.
When you’ve been 30kgs heavier, despite your newfound thinness you know that your current weight plus thirty is your upper shelf. It’s an invisible roof that you know you are capable of hitting and in a strange way, that then becomes your range.
Not 2–5kgs. I wish. Any fat girl wishes this.
When your regularly lose and gain weight, everyone sees your issues. And shit is there so. much. shame. that goes along with this painful exposure. The irony of which is not lost on…